Some days, I force myself to sleep. Long after sunrise…sometimes, past lunchtime. I wake up and go back to sleep over and over immersing myself in a long, drawling succession of dreams where—good or bad—it feels most like home.
There are many days that I am noticeably different when I wake up. Something in my mind has stirred and presented itself in such a way that has inspired me, frightened me or shook me to the core and when I wake up, I’m either thankful it’s over or yearning to return. I have gone to sleep with a certain personality, set of goals, and list of interests and woken up to find that every part of me is different. What I loved last night, is inconsequential to me now. I fell asleep an aspiring artist, and woken up a future psychologist. You can see how these unexpected changes can really throw a wrench into my plans for the future. I never know who I’ll be next.
Yesterday, I took a long trip through my subconscious and explored my feelings about college, studying and relationships. I discovered a trembling willingness to move out of state without regard for the unknown. I revisited a past employer and found that my dislike was mixed with admiration.
I took a long road trip (alone) to my neighboring state for graduate school orientation. I was confused as to why I was there at first and felt strangely out of place. Every last student filing by me into the conference room where orientation would take place was wearing a long white coat. Are these doctors? I must be in the wrong place…At this moment, I looked down and saw that I too wore the long white coat of a physician. I was excited, terrified and thinking of turning back.
I sat in my seat listening to that old boss tell me to start looking for an apartment nearby, that classes started in two weeks, and that my life was to be immediately uprooted. A girl nearby was taking notes for three different classes in three different notebooks at one time. She asked me to help her. As I wrote notes about “Hearing deficiencies in red heads (???!?)” I began to cry. I remembered, suddenly, that I have not gotten my Bachelors degree yet and couldn’t go to grad school yet. My last words before waking were tearful to the studious girl: “I wish I were like you!”
Among the other things I envisioned were scenes of myself cleaning houses (a job I have held on and off over the years). I ended up smashing two TVs at one of the jobs and got in trouble. I won’t say who’s house it was. Do I have some pent up aggression towards them?
I woke up feeling that I had learned something about myself, but I still haven’t figured out what. I ended up researching lucid dreaming and astral projection for the first part of my day. It’s weird how these things happen.
Lately, I’ve had some really illuminating dreams; some of which would make great books…others that have led to marital discussions.
My dream journal is up for interpretation and entertainment.